Numerous sayings exist getting at the idea we are somehow involved in our own difficulties. “Fighting an uphill battle,” “Your own worst enemy,” “Swimming upstream,” and perhaps my favorite: “P*ssing into the wind.” There are probably so many different ways of saying it because we don’t like to hear it. Somehow, despite our best intentions and our best efforts, we are part of our own struggles. Crap, I’d rather blame my job or my wife.
I chose Current Coaching as the name of my business because in addition to capturing an element of the problem (fighting against the current), it also hints at an element of the solution: going with the current. The million-dollar question though, or at least a few of my session fees, is what exactly does that mean? How do you go with the flow?
I will never pretend to have all the answers, but it does involve the process of Letting Go.
There is a story about how to trap monkeys. Some say this story has a factual basis, others say it is apocryphal or fictional. YouTube offers some clues. Either way, it is illustrative. The story goes that folks in India trap monkeys by hollowing out a coconut and cutting a sloping hole into its center where they place a banana. A monkey reaches in the hole to get the banana but cannot pull his/her hand out while grasping the banana. Wanting and focusing on the banana, thinking that it is what it needs, the monkey refuses to let go, remaining trapped. To be free, all the monkey has to do is let go, but it won’t and therefore remains trapped.
That’s the first part of letting go. Realizing we are often focusing on the wrong, or more accurately put, less helpful thing. It’s a change of perspective or mindset. If I am unhappy or distressed or disturbed in some way, my natural reaction is to focus on something going on around me. In the heat of the moment(s) I am focusing on what I think problem is or what I think will make me happy, but chances are I am wrong. I need a new perspective.
Next, there is the wrestling with the idea that most of our bad feelings have to do with, gasp, feelings! I’d rather pontificate about the news. We tend to resist our feelings because they often touch on some vulnerable area of our lives. The process of Letting Go can actually help with that. In fact, it is letting go of emotions that will free us. (For those of you who, like me, are pretty certain the problem does in fact lie with that thing, I will circle back and address it, I promise).
Letting go is like suddenly realizing you’ve been clenching your fist, grinding your teeth, or holding your breath, and releasing that tension. Dropping the weight. Exhaling. Maybe laughing. Letting go involves:
- Becoming aware of an emotion
- Letting it come up
- Staying with it
- Letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything
Notice the absence of judgment, rationalizing, venting, moralizing. There is no “I shouldn’t feel this way,” “This feeling is acceptable, I’m justified,” “Let me analyze this” or “I need to convince you of that.” The emotion comes, goes, and we are still here. It’s alright. There is a peace here, a freedom here, a pathway out of negativity and into wellbeing. Some people believe the ultimate endpoint is a spiritual dimension, others do not. Regardless, this approach offers pragmatic results in nearly every area of life- relationships, physical health, work environments, hobbies, family life- because it relieves pressure and redirects energy in a useful direction.
Some people find this process intuitive. Others have to mull it over. Some are able to practice it on their own. Others like assistance by a psychiatrist, religious leader, or coach like me.
To get back to the job or the spouse or state of the world thing: they might, in fact, be a real problem. But, this process of letting go empowers us to deal with real problems intelligently. When stuck, jammed up, fighting the current, blaming, twisting in toxic emotions, it is hard to reasonably problem solve at work or communicate effectively with a loved one. Letting go may or may not end up being your ultimate solution, but it is almost always a tool or part of the solution. Letting Go can help you find a New Current.
Matt Purcell
Doctor of Psychology
Current Coaching
